Reflections is a weekly meme hosted by Kristin of A Simply Enchanted Life and Fizzy of Fizzy Pop Collection. Every Sunday we will dig deeper into our recent reads to explore the real-life lessons within the pages. Reading the book yourself is not necessary to participate. If you would like to host your own reflection, you’re welcome to copy and paste this introduction, with the link to our pages. You may use our current or prior reflections or come up with your own.
In ‘All She Left Behind‘ by Jane Kirkpatrick, Ariyah and Jennie are best friends. As Jennie’s life turns sideways with her husband giving her a divorce (that he filed for on her behalf of course) and she finds ways to support herself and her son, Ariyah stands beside her through the gossip and negativity. At one point Ariyah tells Jennie that guilt ‘is a fiend’ and urges her to make a personal change to ward it off. Has there been a time when guilt held you back? How did you find a path through it to a new hope?
It’s kind of funny that Fizzy chose this for today’s reflection. Because it turns out to be a very personal question. One that I didnt really anticipate when she proposed today’s topic.
I’ve carried some guilt around for the last couple years over something. I don’t want to get into it all but I made a mistake and let some people down. I lost something that was entrusted to me and nothing I could say or do would make this better. I did all that I could to fix this but I’ve carried a lot of guilt. That guilt kept me from putting myself out there and from trusting myself with responsibilities. Even though I’ve never made a mistake like this.
It’s been two years, well…it’ll be two years in July. Guilt has held me back at times. I’ve prayed and asked for peace and there were moments when it would slip from my mind. But it would always come crashing down me when I wanted to make commitments. I no longer trusted myself.
This morning my ten-year-old came down the stairs, carrying the very thing that was lost those years ago. I don’t know the how or the why. This lost thing, a piece of data, in a wallet in her closet. A wallet I’ve never even carried. How it ended up there I will never know.
With this now in my possession, I guess I do feel some hope. But I’m also afraid. How do I go about getting this back to the person I let down when my shame wants me to avoid her at all possible cost?
The question is how to find your way and I guess I don’t really have an answer. The important thing is that I’m on the road. I can see the faintest glimmer of hope just waiting for me to grasp it.
I want to trust myself again. To finally accept that everyone makes mistakes and I shouldn’t be punishing myself forever.
I think the only real way to allow yourself a new hope is to forgive yourself for whatever it is that is holding you back. And I know that is easier said than done. So, you all be praying for me because it’s time for me to finally allow myself to heal.